Do You Keep ‘Shoulding’ Yourself?





It sounds a bit rude.

And it is.

Shoulding gets in the way and obscures what we want in life. It distracts and prevents us from accessing what is true for ourselves.

How so?

I have been observing, within myself and other people, how difficult it can be to figure out what you want. And by that I mean: what you really, really want (paraphrasing a song by the Spice Girls…)

So often when people answer the question: “What do you want in this situation, relationship or circumstance?” the first response is the head answer. By now, it’s pretty clear to most of us that the mind does not relate to the heart. The mind likes to keep us on the straight and narrow: no experiments, no playing outside the sand box. It’s just too scary and risky for that safety promoting aspect of our being.

So when we are asked the question of: “What do you want?”, the mind immediately pulls up all the safe answers from the vast catalogue of options. These are the answers that appear logical, safe and are socially acceptable. Examples are: I want to eat better, I want to exercise more or I want to de-clutter my home. We have all been inundated with information that tells us that it’s good to want those things as they contribute to our health and well being. This means we should want them.

But the should and have to leaves us feeling burdened. Just say out loud: “ I should eat better.” Ohh, contraction, weight on shoulders, collapsing of the power center ( 3rd chakra). Not good! At least I don’t like it much. Do you?

However, most of the time, this is what happens when we tune into what we want. Many of us have not learned how to distinguish should from want and also are often not clear how to access this information.

How do you distinguish should from want?

One give-away for should is that your answer is easily followed by a because or some other qualifier that justifies your answer: There is a reason for me wanting this.

Second give-away is that your energy goes down or stays in neutral.

Heart answers do not need any justification. They just are. And what usually happens when you hit on a true desire or want, your energy goes up a notch or two and elicits that same response in your listener. This is actually quite magical.

Now your listeners also feel better, brighter and more expansive and it awakens their desire to support you in making your want a reality.

Sounds good to me. To you as well?

So, how do you access your true wants?

One way is to implement the following tune–in practice from Rachael Jayne Groover’s Art of Feminine Presence®: Sit down quietly and close your eyes. Breathe, relax and be quiet for a couple of minutes. Without judgment and need to change anything, notice the following aspects:

1, Your body: sensations and areas of openness and closure.

  1. Your feelings in this moment
  2. Your energetic field surrounding your body: size, color and intensity

Take stock for a couple of minutes and then ask yourself: “Given how I am feeling in this moment, what do I want?” Within this practice, it is much easier to focus on small increments of time: the next 2 hours, today or this week as well as small aspects of a situation. Examples are: What do I want today regarding my relationship? What do I want to eat this morning? What do I want in relation to my body in the next 2 hours? This is not about finding your life purpose or creating your next business project.

Let the question drop down into the energetic center of your body: into your Dantien or deep into the center of your pelvis. Give yourself time to let an answer arise. Take that answer and ask again: Is that what I really want? You may have to do that several times. Notice if you can add because to your answer – it means you have not quite connected to your true want yet.

Be patient.

Notice how challenging it can be.

Keep practicing.

When you connect with a true want, you will feel a sense of buoyancy and relief inside. There is no need to justify your answer. It simply is what it is.

Smile. Celebrate and put it into action.


Rinse and repeat.


Let me know in the comments below how this practice is working for you.

If you find some challenges in creating this change in perspective for yourself, let’s have a conversation and explore how I can support you in making this happen. Go here to book a free 30-Minute Discovery Call with me.

Amara’s Musings: Creating Spaciousness - Inside and Out

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