Twice this week, I got together with a circle of women friends and the topic came up of how difficult it is to share what is really going on for us in the moment.
What do YOU do when you feel irritated, grumpy, when you feel alone or hard done by?
You may have noticed that the tendency is for this to go into one of two directions:
Scenario A: Blame towards the situation, other people or yourself
Scenario B: Self talk to the tune of: “All is well. I am not supposed to feel this, think this, express this if I want to be seen to have it all together, be spiritual or be loved and accepted.”
Arghh….
Sometimes it is so easy to get trapped in in the habitual patterns.
You may have noticed that you show up differently in different environments: I can behave this way in my family, this way with this friend and that way with another, I show up like this at work and like that when I go to a party.
Exhausting!
And does it really serve a purpose and help you?
Feelings are transitory states. If you allow yourself to notice them without trying to find out why and attaching a story to them, they will just roll through like ocean waves. When you watch young babies, you can see their facial expressions change by the second as they experience a huge variety of feelings move through them. They have no filter yet saying: this is good, oh, but I better don’t show this one.
Over time, as we become socialized in our families, by friends and society, we make decisions about good and bad feelings, about what we can reveal when and where. As we’re looking for love and acceptance to safeguard our survival, we ensure that our behavior and our words conform to what we think is needed for maximum approval.
When you don’t acknowledge your feelings and suppress them, they tend to accumulate and begin to weigh you down, which is especially noticeable in sadness (= depression) and anger (= outbursts).
However, when you take the time to notice your emotional state and acknowledge the feelings without looking for a why, then it’s much easier to move through it more quickly on to the next experience. This means being honest with yourself and sharing from that place.
As the saying goes: The truth (spoken from a place of love and kindness towards yourself and others) will set you free.
Because we know exactly what’s going on for other people. It’s an energetic thing. We intuitively sense if people are in blame mode and tune out. Same when they keep talking on and on about their challenges, being in martyr mode.
This means, pretending that everything is ok, does not work either. It confuses people and turns them away from you.
In our circle of women, we all agreed that we wanted to know if someone was feeling crabby, out of sorts etc. Owning and sharing it actually clears the air. As a listener or participant you then know that you hadn’t said or done something to upset the other person and be triggered into ruminating about your own shortcomings. Instead you can stay open and present to the other person and really hear what they have to say without needing to fix anything.
When you are the person sharing your feelings truthfully, you may have noticed that you quickly feel lighter, even though you may not yet see a solution or have a new plan. Your awareness helps you to move forward, one moment at a time. You stay in the flow, and anything becomes possible.
And yes, it takes courage (and what does not??) to share yourself honestly.
So, consider for a moment how your life would be different if, no matter where you are, you could share what is going on for you?
Just stating your feelings, owning them: Without whining, blaming or looking for excuses and pity?
Ahhhh – freedom!